I rarely post personal anecdotes and such on this blog because this does double as an online resume and professional showcase of sorts, but I figured if I write this out (like I did with that personal letter) that I could always reference this when the time comes to be reminded.
For as long I can remember, I’ve pretty much been ashamed of myself because of my size. I’ve used my weight as an excuse for so much that my life honestly as pretty much passed me by. I’ve always had trouble with eating healthy and within reason in terms of portion control because those just aren’t buzzwords in the black community (see the Bootstrap post from last year for more insight). I was over 200 pounds by junior high and have been above 300 most of my adult life.
The struggle with food is one I’ve fought forever, but I’m willing to keep trying because I want to prove to myself that I can make these lifestyle changes and be a healthier person. I know I’m never going to be super small and I don’t want to be. But there’s just a stigma about being 3 bills that eats away at me (no pun intended). Being an emotional eater (good or bad times) hasn’t helped either.
So starting today I’ve decided to try and kick the biggest habit, which is my crazy spending on fast food and gas station snacks. Like 95 percent of everything I eat during a week has bread and sugar in it. So as much as it pains me, my weekly trips to Chick Fil A and Auntie Anne’s pretzel shop (usually 33 dollars spent combined at those two places) will be on indefinite hiatus. I’m also going to eat breakfast in the morning (had Raisin Bran this morning and I feel pretty good) after my walk but before I leave for work. Not only will that help with the weight loss, but it will put some extra cheese (the monetary kind) in my wallet. I’m also going to be mindful of what I eat at home and hopefully learn to cook some healthier dishes that are low in calories (all suggestions are welcome except for eggs. No eggs, please. YUCK).
I’m already walking every morning rain or shine and I also stretch for 10 minutes at a time and do 15 pushups each morning, so I at least have a small exercise plan in place. I just need to get my diet under control.
Some of it is superficial motivation (I still maintain that women absolutely LOATHE big/husky/plus-sized/fat dudes) and a lot of it is me trying to feel better about myself because I mentioned above, I’ve long been ashamed of myself physically and that of course means that shame carries over to other parts of my life. I do want to feel decent about myself and I at least want to see if losing weight is the way. If not, then I can at least say I made some changes.