Life Confidential

Editor’s Note: I rarely post anything of a really personal nature here because of my business pursuits, but I don’t think this is too bad. That said, read on and hold on to your seat belts.

I walk two hours each day for exercise. My evening walk is filled with music blasting in my ears because I need to push through the sun’s last sweltering punishment while climbing hills in my neighborhood. In the morning however, I use that time to just think. About how to get myself going as my own boss, losing this weight, just about anything that concerns me.

Those morning thought sessions have become more and more intense as the summer winds down and one of the things that weighs heavily on my mind is how I’m going to navigate what seems to be another long and lonesome period of solitude for me.

I’ve had some serious breakdowns in recent weeks and months, mostly triggered by rejection from the fairer sex which seems to become more frequent and confusing as I get older. Not because I think I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread but I think anyone, regardless of race/gender/body type/who they’re attracted to, would have to question themselves if they find themselves being told “no” at the alarming rate of 100%. That’s where I stand currently.

Here’s where something that always bothers me comes into play – this whole “confidence” thing. It’s become one of many words that literally I hate to say in terms of this subject. Whenever I lament my struggles and the frustration with said struggles, almost on cue, people start saying “Confidence” like it’s a magic tonic to repel rejection and create the desired results. Maybe I don’t understand it, but this I know for sure – nobody really falls for someone based on sure of themselves they seem.

We live in a society where someone has to catch your attention through their appearance, and I’m 100% sure that’s why I constantly find myself on the short end of the stick. I can honestly say that’s one of my motivations for exercising and watching what I eat, it’s definitely in the top 2 or 3 – I get the sense that I’m turned down not because of a lack of – ugh – confidence, but women shoot me down before I can even open my mouth. Or as is the rage these days, social networking gives me a chance to at least say hello, but more often than not, those greetings go un-reciprocated (I know it’s not a word, just work with me) and flat-out ignored.

Rejection’s never easy for anyone, especially someone who takes everything personal and is already dealing with feelings of depression. So you’re left to try and pick up the pieces, but you end up picking yourself apart more and more and there you are. Unhappy, rarely smiling, feeling envious of others who have better luck.

This is where I suppose one could use some of this – ugh – confidence everyone talks about, but I promise you, it is very hard to feel good when you know you’re not exactly going to be accepted at first glance, thus giving you even less a chance of to win someone over with conversation, personality, etc. It’s then I use my favorite phrase on the subject – you just can’t win for losing. Makes sense because if you were evening in a winning mind, you can’t overcome people wanting you to lose and will ensure that you lose. It’s demoralizing. Period.

I suppose it’s fine to believe that some forced belief that you are worth someone’s time and that everything will be okay works in the short term, but when that losing streak continues without nary a bump in the road in sight, you’ll start to question why you even forced yourself to believe that things were going to get better when other forces dictate that they won’t.

Maybe I’m just too jaded, bitter or frustrated for anyone to take what I’m saying seriously, but I had to say it. Believe me, I don’t like struggling at all, but what can you do when you literally have to wait for an entire class of people to change their tune? I’ll accept answers.

In the meantime, I’m confident this struggle is more than just a Law of Attraction staple. And it’s out of my control.


3 thoughts on “Life Confidential

  1. I discovered this from stalking Aliya S. King’s timeline (don’t judge me).
    I have many things to say but I don’t know you like that to be giving you advice, so let me just say – what an awesome post this is.
    I’m off to dig through your crates now.

  2. I discovered this from stalking Aliya S. King’s timeline (don’t judge me).
    I have many things to say but I don’t know you like that to be giving you advice, so let me just say – what an awesome post.
    I’m off to go dig through your crates now.

  3. Pingback: 30 in 30 Outro « Chris Stevens

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s