Never underestimate how hard it is to look at yourself honestly and then work on making changes to things you didn’t realize were there until that moment of honesty.
One thing this blog challenge has taught me about myself as a person is that I really have a ways to go to improve and get over a lot of the things that have held me back over the years, especially the biggest problem of them all – me.
Most times, you never really think about taking responsibility for a lot of the bad in your life until you’re seriously left with no choice. It’s easier to focus on the people who’ve hurt you, but at the same time, what did you do to avoid those people? How much of it was you ignoring or not looking for signs? How much of that is you being afraid of being totally by yourself and starving for companionship?
These are all questions I’ve asked myself in the last 8 or 9 days as I get ready to get deeper into my 30s and hopefully busier and busier with this business, my book and exercising. The answers have yet to reveal themselves in full, but I am figuring out how much of this falls on my shoulders and how I really need to just enjoy my own company.
For example, my Saturday went like this: A trip to AutoZone to get a tail light, windshield wiper blade and gas cap so my car can pass inspection Monday, watching some old NBA VHS tapes and DVDs, discovering a torrent for “Standing In The Shadows of Motown” and blogging about that, most of those activities sandwiched in between my hour walks in the morning and evening.
And I felt somewhat content. I didn’t give myself time to think about the things that bother me the most because I was occupied with other stuff. I assume one of the keys to fighting loneliness is keeping yourself busy.
At the same time I don’t want to be a complete loner forever, so I still have to figure out how to play this game called dating/talking to women. Kinda crazy at this age that I haven’t figured it all out yet, but again, it’s just something that I have to look at myself and figure out what I’ve done wrong and try to fix it.
I’ve pretty much wasted 2012 and being 30 struggling with this and staying in a funk when I could be improving how I feel about myself, how I view/feel about/think about women and trying to make things happen, but I suppose as long as I’m allowed to get up each day I can work on that and other things.
That’s the point of introspection and self-discovery, I think. Figure out what’s wrong and fix it. I just hope it all can be fixed.