As I was recording my podcast Wednesday night, the topic of adult film star Mr. Marcus coming clean that he was indeed dirty (he hid positive syphilis tests from producers and co-stars) got me to thinking about irresponsible behavior and accepting the consequences of your actions.
Often in life, people aren’t sure how to deal with failure, how to deal with a down period, how to deal with being hurt. So the reactions to those bad times not only do damage to the people struggling with their emotions and thoughts, but those around them. I know that better than anybody.
The bad days have often outweighed the good in my mind. I honestly have had times where I didn’t know what I was going to do next because I was so upset about something and just lashed out or withdrew even deeper into a shell. I’m not happy to admit that, but I just have this Murphy’s Law outlook on my life, expecting everything to go wrong because either I don’t feel I deserve good things or people are out to get me.
That paranoia is a nightmare to live with. I guess it comes with depression, but you’re always looking over your shoulder, waiting for something bad to happen so you can say you were right. It’s not fun. At all. That feeling of wanting to believe things will get better, but the belief that things will forever be bad and get worse overpowers that.
I guess I can see why people are big on “speaking things into existence.” All it takes is a look back at one situation or another and I think about how I just said “This won’t end well,” and true to form, it didn’t. Conversely, I said to myself in January that I was really going to make the effort to get some weight off and keep it off and so far, so good.
The kicker for me was my Tuesday-Wednesday stretch. Tuesday went like this: car failed inspection on two BS technicalities (The DMV is the devil’s gentlemen’s club) and my phone wouldn’t charge most of the day. Talk about stressful. Instead of being overly angry and cursing my existence, I just went home, fiddled with the phone and played old school music.
Sure enough the phone starts charging Tuesday night and I was able to get a temp tag to work out the small issues with my car. Wednesday was MUCH better. Got my usual haircut, didn’t have to worry about being pulled over by the cops and I had a very good lunch date.
I posted on my Facebook page that another day was another day to get better, and I’m rarely the motivational phrase type, but I hope I can employ that thinking to each day I’m allowed to wake up. Just another day to get better. Better than yesterday and hopefully a chance to be better than that tomorrow. And that’s all I want. To just feel better about myself and my life.