I’ve never really been reflective about many situations in my life until they’ve clearly passed me by.
It usually takes me months at a time for something to pop in my head and look at it with a fresh viewpoint. Not the way I intend for things to go, but I tend to have this saying that has developed into a bigger issue.
Folks always tell you “don’t burn your bridges,” and I’ve always said “I don’t burn bridges, I blow em the [expletive] up.” Has that been the best idea? Probably not. I don’t know any other way. I have a unique talent for cutting people off at the first sign of what I consider to be disrespect or when an argument ensues, I go off and when it’s over, I’m probably not speaking to that person anymore.
I never cop pleas, especially after a forced apology that still makes me mad at myself I even caved to it to this day, but I can honestly say I’ve been my own worst enemy in most situations that have gone awry.
It’s difficult to accept that you’ve probably run off a few decent people because you can’t trust anyone thanks to the unwavering belief that you aren’t worth anything or anyone good in life. It makes you envious of others, it makes you suspect that people are going to screw you over, it makes you look for any little thing to say “I knew you weren’t worth a damn.”
Then when it all goes to crap and you’re no longer cool with this person or that person, you can convince yourself at first that you weren’t in the wrong and that they were going to do you dirty eventually.
Then time wears on and that stubborn conscience and that curse of a photographic, elephant-like memory gets stronger and your honesty starts to hunt you down through the woods of your own denial until you’ve run out of room to run and you’re confronted with the fact that you push people away. In a major way.
You try one last time to use assumptions and hypothesis as a weapon, but your own honesty knocks them out of your hands and you are left with the simple fact that it’s you who can’t control your bad thoughts and mistrust of people, largely because you don’t like yourself and you project, expecting people to feel the same.
Then when they grow weary of walking on egg shells like people with common sense do, you turn the blame on them instead of trying to understand why you see the worst in other people…and yourself.
Some situations turned out to be what they were, others – Hell, MOST – weren’t that way. But those are over. Yet honesty isn’t done torturing you because you feel bad for how you’ve treated people and you now have to live with the fact that you destroy bridges and have no one to blame for your problems but you.