The fear of achievement

This is actually a continuation of a conversation (about an hour long one) that took place on my podcast Sunday night, but as I get ready to hopefully have some things lined up for the fall in terms of business/professional work, the thought of goals, experiences and the vaunted Bucket List are heavy on my mind, especially with me turning 32 in 2 1/2 months.

It’s always good to achieve new goals, have new experiences and learn new lessons in life. It’s hard to do those things when you’re hindered by the reality of a startup business still in its infant stages and a career a freelancer that hasn’t really gone the way you would’ve liked it to so far.

Even with that in mind, I’m still hopeful that I can achieve some of the things that I’d really like to make happen at some point in my life. I don’t feel like time is running out, but something about being in my 30s has me worried about declining after that.

And I can be honest with you all, since those who read my blog are usually people who know me already – I’ve wasted the first 31 years of my life. Some of that is due to depression, a lot of it is location (most of my life in Delaware, 3 1/2 years in Southern Maryland), and also some of that is just fear.

The fear of never being good enough, the fear of being or appearing awkward in public, the fear of rejection (which I really should be used to because it happens often) – all of those things have served to cripple my social life to the point where I still feel like people will point and laugh at me like the Reggie Warrington-Sherman Klump scene in “The Nutty Professor” – and I’m not even close to that size anymore.

Even with these things (and financial constraints) weighing heavy on my mind, I still have goals I want to achieve in life.

My non-negotiable is owning and driving an original Volkswagen Beetle. That has to happen.

My DSU Sports Book has to be written.

I want to make it to the Essence Festival in New Orleans at least once. Same for the CIAA basketball tournament in Charlotte.

I still hope that my current professional path takes off and becomes a means to support myself.

I have to figure out if my life would be better if I moved away from Delaware and to somewhere else, but not Podunk Junction like St. Mary’s County MD again.

I have more personal and intimate goals that I’ll spare you for the sake of your eyes,  minds and imaginations this fine Tuesday morning, but you get the picture. I have things I want to make happen, but fear is stopping me from making any of these things happen.

Then I remember that I quit a job I was growing to hate, took control of my diet, made a concerted effort to exercise regularly and those things all scared me half to death. But here I am, at my lowest weight since age 15 and feeling better and more active than I’ve been probably ever.

So much like I figured out those previous moves on the fly or with a plan, I have to plan to make the goals and achievements on my bucket list a reality. Hopefully anyone who reads this can take something from it as well. As we’ve seen, life is short and to spend it in a monotonous routine is no fun. So if you have something you want to try and go for, do it.

And I’m telling myself that as much as I’m saying it to whoever is reading this.

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2 thoughts on “The fear of achievement

  1. This is awesome, and describes the place that I am currently in. I just had to remember my small and large victories, and just act. God didn’t give us a spirit of fear, but that of POWER, love, and a sound mind. That keeps me going, to keep on pushing. Time to LIVE!

  2. I’ve been stalling on launching my personal style blog since January. I was finding excuses in everything, but most of it just boiled down to fear. Reading this post gave me the push I needed to finally put up my first post. I normally don’t leave comments, but this post really hit home with me. I’ve followed you on twitter for some time now, and I think you’re an amazing person. Good luck in your journey.

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